Underworld: Evolution -- Not to be seen while sober

Thank God for student discounts! With my trusty $1.50 savings, I managed to be 16 percent less annoyed than I would have been had I paid the full $9.50 admission to see Underworld: Evolution.

Don't get me wrong, it's not bad. It's extremely bad. For those who imbibed heavily before watching, I commend you; the movie was probably even enjoyable in that state. I, however, was not, so I have the unfortunate pleasure of remembering the ridiculous script and melodramatic acting you could only find if William Shatner guest starred on General Hospital.

I guess a movie review isn't much without the review part, though, so here's what happens: a bunch of vampires and werewolves fight.repeatedly.

If that's not enough, some necks are bitten, blood is splashed about, four jaws are ripped off, three heads explode, there's one helicopter death-puree style, and amidst all of that there is an oddly placed sex scene between our protagonist Selene, or as I like to call her, a hot female vampire with blue eyes (HFVBE) and her freakish hybrid vampire-werewolf partner (FHVW).

Anyway, a weirdly winged super vampire (WWSV) wants to release his imprisoned werewolf brother (IWB) from 800 years of solitary confinement with no food (it's a good thing werewolves don't have fast metabolisms), but in order to do that, he needs the memories of the HFVBE. Well, as you can imagine, if you're a FHVW, you aren't about to see your HFVBE be killed just so the WWSV can free his IWB. No way.

So, the FHVW does his thing and saves the day, even after being dead for 30 minutes because he was skewered on a pole by the WWSV. I'll say this, though, if you had this HFVBE crying over you and dripping her blood on your wounds, you'd probably find a way to come back, too.

In all fairness, I do recognize that this is a movie about vampires and werewolves, so I fully expected to see the gore and ubiquitous fight scenes. But I was hoping that the movie would have a reasonably decent story with some semblance of coherence. Oh well.

If you do plan on going, recognize that you won't see a good movie, so go with friends and get your entertainment after the movie when you can all trash it together, but do make sure you get the student discount!