Ross women obliterate the men in hockey win

In an overwhelming victory, the Ross Women's Hockey Team prevailed over a group of novice male ice skaters 5-1 on March 25, 2006. The game, entitled "Men Who Can't Skate," is an annual fundraiser held by the team in which RSB students nominated sixteen men to play in a match against the women by bidding with donations for the team.

Coming off the heels of the most recent demonstration of male virility at Ross, the 'Stache Contest sponsored by the Burt Reynolds Club, the men were confident they would secure a win. Before the match, MBA1 Matt Yahes said, "I can barely run much less skate. But we're playing against WOMEN, right?" MBA2 Rishi Bhalerao believed the mystical powers of the 'Stache would work in the team's favor, saying "the moral of Samson and Delilah still holds true today: hair means strength." When asked about the ratio of balding male MBAs compared to female MBAs, Bolero had no comment.

The trash-talk continued well into the days leading up to the match. An insider source reports the team of men had contemplated playing hockey donning only their 'staches, boxers, and the hair on their backs. The plan was reportedly dropped after a splinter faction of New York bankers protested on the grounds of not having enough time to wax.

Meanwhile, the women's camp rumbled with anticipation for the match. MBA2, ERB, LSA Gender Studies PhD student Dorothy Kim was motivated to win by the events of the past week, explaining "the male hegemony at Ross must end, beginning with this game. [The 'Stache Contest] exemplified the perpetuation of the 'old boys' club at Ross, allowing Indian and Caucasian males to flaunt their hairiness to the rest of the RSB Community and exclude women. We're currently working with the Women's Initiative to jointly sponsor a 'Pit Contest' for Ross women in 2007 to ensure gender equality."

Other teammates were driven by less political incentives. MBA2 Jenny Barba said, "I just want to knee that a&shole gunner who sleeps with BBAs in the groin." MBA2 Sarah Winkeller viewed the game as an excellent foreplay opportunity, "Nikhil has slipped into senioritis in more ways than one," the hockey player said.

The team met these goals, and more, on Saturday at the Yost Ice Arena. Once the two teams took to the ice, the Women's Hockey Team handily dominated the board. Despite defense tactics employed by the men, the women scored goal upon goal as the men slid chaotically around the rink. The majority of the women's team skillfully dodged MBA1 Booby Wehmeyer's tactic, the "Southern Charm," where Wehmeyer circles opponents, distracts them with charismatic fodder and offers them Jack on the rocks. MBA2 Sara Martin was the only teammate who fell victim to this strategy, and the two were spotted continuing the defensive play at the Good Time Charley's after party.

At the game's conclusion, goals by MBA2 Bethanie Archbold, MBA1 Karen Mizell, MBA1 Mina Penna, and MBA2 Jenny Barba brought the women's team to a 5-1 lead.

Many of the scorers had been multi-tasking throughout the game, scoring goals in between other various projects. After scoring her second goal of the game, Mizell returned to finishing a spreadsheet for MAP interviews, she explained, "I'm the only woman on my MAP team, how else will it get done?" MBA1 Mina Penna's hockey gear protected not just her, but also her laptop: "I can only commit 25 percent of my attention to this game right now, the rest of it goes to GBR Fundraising, Marketing Club Education, MBA Games, and founding the new Rhythmic Gymnastics Club," Penna said as she pulled out her laptop immediately after scoring her goal.

The men's team lone goal was scored by MBA2 Amir Aslani, who also possessed one of the thickest mustaches grown in the 'Stache Contest. Like Bhalerao, Aslani attributed his hockey skills to the power of the 'Stache, "they may be smarter and prettier than me, but I have one thing they don't-facial hair. And I play golf. And I'll never bear children.I guess I'll always be ahead in the game of life [Aslani twirls the end of his mustache]."

The event raised over $2,900 and all participants looked forward to next year's face off. Men's team member MBA1 Mark Waterston suggested the gender divide be lifted in 2007 to allow co-ed teams, "it would double the chances of seeing a girl-on-girl brawl, everybody wins.