The MSJ behind closed doors -- be careful what you wish for...

By: Chest Rockwell

Posted: 1/22/07

At least two people have recently said to me, "Chest - I am diabetic, but I would choose the MSJ before my insulin during a life-threatening attack. That said, I am curious about what really goes on behind the scenes at this beacon of journalistic enlightenment?" Well Chest has decided to walk you through exactly how the magic happens via a timeline of a typical week in the life of this business college newspaper. For future reference, we at the MSJ recommend that diabetics reach for their insulin and the paper simultaneously during times of severe illness.

Monday 5:17 pm --

The new editors-in-chief kick off their first MSJ staff meeting. They challenge the staff with lofty goals such as bringing readership into the double-digits, and introducing a scratch-n-sniff Personals section. As part of an annual hazing ritual, the new staff members have their excess fat circled in magic marker and are beaten senseless with the AP Stylebook.

Tuesday 3:22 pm --

The Office of Career Development submits a draft for its section of the paper entitled: The Air of Arrogance - Why We Hate Dealing with Section 1. MSJ editors spend the next two days working on revisions with OCD, eventually arriving at the finished product entitled: How to Write a Proper Thank You Note.

Wednesday 9:48 am --

In an apparent act of vandalism, staff members find that the MSJ office has been "egged" and "Spytek Sucks" has been painted on the door. An eyewitness to the crime tells Campus Police that the alleged perpetrators were, "completely non-descript and had black rectangular boxes where their eyes should be. I am guessing they were probably recent victims of vicious gossip in the Ross Goss column."

Thursday 10:36 am --

Tempers flare in the newsroom as writers from the Automotive section come to blows over whether they should submit a 2,500 word review of the new Ford truck or a 3,000 word piece on the environmental benefits of the GM hybrid. Cooler heads prevail and both articles are included in the paper.

Friday 4:21 pm --

Final editorial decisions must be made. After much debate, the editors decide to reject the Academic Services centerfold pictorial, but include the first article in a ground-breaking three part Health series entitled: Why 48 Ounces of Mountain Dew Every Morning Is Bad For You.

Friday 5:34 pm --

Although he has not been seen or heard from all week, Chest Rockwell's column arrives via carrier pigeon to the MSJ office. MSJ editors spend Friday night and most of Saturday transcribing his genius from Post-It notes to Microsoft Word. The final Post-It note details a request for bail money and more carrier pigeons.

Sunday 8:45 pm --

Monday's issue has been finalized and sent to the printer. The editors board the Monroe Street Lear jet and head to Teterboro Airport in New Jersey. A limousine escorts them to Marquee in downtown Manhattan where they party with Wilmer Valderrama, Paris Hilton and Jeffrey Sanchez-Burks into the wee hours of the night. As is their wont, no one wears underwear and several compromising photos are taken by paparazzi while the MSJ staff is exiting their limo.

Chest Rockwell is an MBA2 and Humor Editor for the Monroe Street Journal. He likes his women like his scotch, aged at least eighteen years. As always, you can reach him at chestrockwell@umich.edu with comments, questions, and propositions. Please, no entrapment.